Moving on from lockdown
I think lockdown has left us all feeling more emotional than usual. We’ve all been online much more, and if you’re a parent, you’ll know what I mean when I say the perfect parenting lockdown journey has been magnified through social media (which I’m guilty of too on ‘good days!’).
LOCKDOWN LIFE
I work from home and I’m either on my laptop or phone a lot of the time. The nature of my work means I can’t escape that and being active on social media is part of the job. I try my best not to be on my phone too much in front of my son, Alfie, but sometimes that hasn’t been possible - especially throughout lockdown.
I have found myself having feelings of mum guilt and thinking ‘I’m a rubbish mum’ much more than I used to. And I know from speaking to mum friends, that I’m not alone.
Perhaps more so on days where we’ve not had the perfect ‘Instagram-able day’ (crafting or baking cakes seems to have been the go to activity). Or when Alfie’s watched that many episodes of ‘Andy’s Dinosaur Adventures!’ I think he’s going to turn into Andy or a dinosaur!
My client, Dr Victoria Khromova, parent coach and educator - founder of Emerging Parent and child psychiatrist is an expert in supporting parents, on let’s face it, a really hard parenting journey. Here she offers some advice around adjusting to a new normal and how to get away from those negative thoughts.
RECOVER
The first thing to do is to acknowledge that we have actually been through a lot! Even if you’re someone who feels that lockdown has been more or less okay, it would be surprising if it had had absolutely zero impact on your sense of safety, on our experience of the world and your experience.
The same is true for our kids. Even tiny little babies, who probably wouldn’t be particularly affected by the practicalities of lockdown, are likely to have picked up on the general mood of unease, worry, anxiety - so really for all of us, regardless of how old our kids are and how we have managed lockdown, the first thing to do is acknowledge that it was an EVENT and that it has had some effect.
After that acknowledgement – I personally decided to go through the following process to help me and my daughter get back to a ‘new normal’. A kind of path of recovery:
Step 1: I cleared some space. Over the lockdown a lot of stuff has built up and it can be really hard getting the gears back in motion and sorting out different jobs. For me it was cleaning – I had let that slide and needed to sort the house out before I could really have the headspace for anything else!
Step 2: Look back on the lockdown with your child. For teeny tiny ones this is more about you looking back on it yourself, but for older toddlers, who have been limited by the lockdown it’s useful to look back on things. You can start with how things were before the lockdown, what were you looking forward to before it got cancelled, what did you think was going to be happening over the last few months before you knew what was coming.
There are so many different ways of doing this! From simply scrolling through your own social media post or photos on your phone with your child, to creating a timeline of the events that have happened. Or using something more creative – like a playlist of songs that make you think about different phases of the lockdown (‘Dance Monkey’ was on in my house ALL THE TIME at the height of lockdown) or using different episodes of lockdown in make-believe play with younger kids. The key is to trace your own family’s journey from shock/disappointment/maybe even fear at the start, through whatever you experienced (even if some of those events were really difficult it’s important to acknowledge them) to slowly coming round, having new routines and activities that you do etc.
Why do we do all this? Because it helps the brain create a narrative about what has happened, rather than it all just being jumbled up bits of information. And if you do something that allows you to talk through the lockdown timeline with your child you help them create a narrative that is hopeful and positive, you help them create something that makes sense. And the same thing happens for you!
PLAY
Step 3: Okay – the totally fun part – play! Play is key for us processing difficult times. We all know that sleep and dreams help us process stuff and ‘file it away’. But did you know that play does something similar? And as adults how often do we play?
What do I even mean by that? Play is something:
You do for the pleasure of it (so you would do it even if there wasn’t any specific outcome. Any outcome you do get is a kind of bonus).
You look forward to doing
That when you do it, you can lose track of time
Things that put you in a bit of a stupor are probably not play. By that I mean things like endlessly scrolling through social media, playing games on your phone or crashing out in front of a sitcom. Those things might well be relaxing, but they’re not engaging enough to be play. Play is not a passive thing and requires at least your mind to engage with curiosity or creativity. Play using your body is also great.
Different people experience different things as play. For some people a long bicycle ride is pure joy and play, but for another person it’s sheer torture, so only you decide what play is for you.
Tips for using play to recover:
Make time to play in a way that’s just for you. What do you enjoy doing for yourself? Not because you have to, but because you like it.
Let your child also have their own play-time if they are able to – solitary play can be really restorative.
Definitely make time to play together – but if you can, pick something you actually enjoy doing, not just something you do because your child loves it. If you share something with them that you find fun too that will be a wonderful ‘shared enjoyment’ experience which is powerful and helps strengthen your bonds.
Step 4: Okay time to come round… you’ve sorted some things, you’ve looked back, you’ve let your hair down and played…. Now time to decide what you keep from lockdown. You might have to start shifting your routine into something that will be more compatible with your personal ‘new normal’ and as you do that look at any things that you have started doing during lockdown or maybe stopped doing during lockdown and decide what’s staying and what’s going. With older kids you can do this as a family. Maybe in lockdown you started having all your meals together. Though that might not be possible if you’re returning to work, but you might decide to at least have one or two days in the week when you do have meals together. For younger kids your routines will be so much affected by their own developmental needs, but you can still look to keep some things that made sense to you.
Dr Victoria Khromova, founder of Emerging Parent
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